he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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