Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The best walk of shames are on the highway
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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