Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
