You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
