I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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