My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
