omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
