I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
