I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
