I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
