I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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