she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize