I am in a vortex of obligation.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
