my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
