Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
