I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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