I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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