Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
