There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize