oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
