so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
