saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
