I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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