My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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