i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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