I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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