Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
