If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
