people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
