How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
