You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
why do cheetos always look like penises
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize