There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
