I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I think a kid would responsible me up
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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