i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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