they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
