you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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