Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
