I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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