Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
