I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
