Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I stole a fireplace last night.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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