Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
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