people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
