I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
