Duck Duck Cougar?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
