drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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