Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
