We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
