can we get nightvision for the apartment?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's blow job season.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize