The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
