I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
