I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
