i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Randomize
