I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
