Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
