Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
